Falling in love...

I've fallen in and out of love this year. I've heard that happens, that you can fall out of love. But it seems that it's not falling out of love. Instead, one of two things happens. Either a. you were never in love in the first place and so when you fall out of love you are actually falling away from a lust or b. you simply weren't willing to put in the time and energy to make the relationship work and foster the love.
Now, one of the hardest parts is recognizing which kind of love you had and therefore which kind you are now either in or not in. This year, I have experienced both. However, the longest and most faithful relationship, the one that has outlasted all my other flings and romantic forays, is still in tact. In fact, I am ready to step up the level of commitment. I'm ready to move in. Buuut, that may have to wait. I need to tie up a few loose ends, make sure I have my life in order before I am ready to commit. But think of it as paying first and last month's rent on an apartment. I've done that. So now I just need to move all my things in.
I have fallen in love with two different things this year. One being myself, another this country. Guys have come and gone, but I have remained and this country is still here.
First, me. Wow! Looking back at the girl who hobbled off the plane, on crutches and also in need of a crutch for her heart, I am shocked. That girl has weathered heart break and sadness, loneliness and stormy thoughts. Yet she has also loved and lost, grew, experienced, expanded and settled in. I have settled in. Finally. I accept who I am. I even love her! And I am so proud of the woman I have become. I am someone who believes in myself. Even when fear paralyzes me, I believe in me.
Of course I make mistakes, silly decisions that leave me angry, upset and fuming. But I also know that I can recover from them. That the person I am is an individual who has the power to move forward. I have the passion, insight and determination to continue on.
Even my Jewish identity has grown. I am sure in my love for Judaism and belief in God (although what that means I'm not yet prepared to outline). Reform Judaism has helped mold who I am since I was very young and continues to do so to this day. However, I have discovered that there are different parts of the Jewish world which I love, whether it is a more traditional service, where all the pieces are present, or doing the traditional hand washing before a festival meal. The traditions have come alive to me. My task now is wrestling with the why, because simply DOING isn't enough, especially in the Reform realm.
Which leads me to my other love. Arriving in this country, I was prepared to do my year and get safely back on a plane to finish the next four years of Rabbinical school in the states. I would maybe visit Israel every once in a while, but it wasn't a place I felt a great affinity toward. Something changed in me this year. I no longer feel passe about leaving and I cannot just walk away. Israel has found her way into my heart and soul and become a part of who I am. The language, the culture, the people - it is all so vibrant and beautiful (even the parts that I cannot stand like the honking and awful driving and everything always being a little broken). We're past the honeymoon phase, we've moved into the figuring things out stage. And so far, we are doing that. And now, I am ready to step up the level of commitment. I am moving in.
I now know how to say no. I know what it means to respect myself and my boundaries. I can create distance when necessary and demonstrate that I am confident and proud of my decisions. With that in mind, I will be saying goodbye to my country today, with the knowledge that I will be back in a little under three months. A little tanner, a little smarter, a little older. I will be back, ready to start the next leg of my journey.

“And my House shall be a House of Prayer for All People”

            Yesterday morning offered me a very strange, but incredibly moving opportunity. Sam, Max and I were at our Truma project and had the chance to perform a Mitzvah by being part of a minyan for an adult-woman’s Bat Mitzvah ceremony. We were more than willing to comply, both for the experience and for want to help out!!

            The service was beautiful in its own right, but it served as a reality check for the three of us, a reminder of what we will face in the congregations we (they) will be facing next year (and I will face the year after that). Our congregants will be people who want to put their foot in the door and be met where they are, without the necessity of learning and knowledge. Not all of them are like that, but many American reform Jews carry baggage from their childhood, of being forced into shul and Hebrew school and therefore don’t have the desire to remain involved.

            However, that was not the point on which I wanted to dwell. Instead, I was interested in what I experienced in the synagogue yesterday morning. We used the old Gates of Prayer: Gray gender sensitive edition, which I haven’t used for at least 5 years. Looking through the service, I noticed that the Hebrew came first, than the italics, and then the English. It was as if the prayer book was saying that Hebrew was more important, that Reform Jews had a responsibility to learn Hebrew, that if they didn’t, they were somehow Jews of a lower caliber. Obviously the format of the prayer book was thought through in thoroughly, but this just struck me as an odd occurrence. In Mishkan T’fillah, the Hebrew and the transliteration are side by side, at least allowing the reader to choose a knowledge of Hebrew or the language of transliteration. This option simply feels more egalitarian, more inclusive.

            Another issue of interest is that I was able to see all the parts inexplicably missing from the siddur. Okay, not unexplainable, but without an explanation. The editors simply chose to leave out certain parts that didn’t follow the Reform movement’s ideology or that we just had stopped doing over time. The Reform movement is the only sect of Judaism I know of that actually GET’S RID of liturgy instead of adding more, like the Orthodox seem to have done over the years. The problem however, is that there are whole generations (mine included), that grew up not knowing that there were other options. At least Mishkan T’fillah allows me the opportunity to understand what we do not use, and to actively decide what I want to include in my prayer and what I don’t.

            Also, Gates of Prayer tells us where to stand and sit, separating the Shema from the V’ahavtah, separating Kedushat haYom from the prayers that conclude the Amidah. Truthfully, I just want to know where this idea came from and why.

            The contrast between the chapel, which fully embodies the Israeli community feel, and the service itself was surreal. The chapel was complete with micrography on the walls and ark which symbolizes the seven species of Israel, as well as a room that is incredibly comfortable and welcoming, but not necessarily what would ever be found as the main place of prayer for a congregation in the states. However, had I closed my eyes, I could easily have been in a learners service in the states. I appreciated the service and the way Miri wove together a T’fillah experience rich in narrative and story for this family. Yet I was struck by the place where I was sitting and the community by which I was surrounded.

Mea Shearim: A world within a world

I'm reminded of the song from fiddler on the roof: at three I started Hebrew school at five I...." Although I don't necessarily remember the words of the song, the idea is of importance. Starting at the age of three, orthodox, but especially Haredi children have their first hair cut, begin wearing Tzitzit katon and peyus, and most port antsy, start going to school. The learning process is not held off until the rest of the worlds kindergarten, but rather begins at three.

The father brings his son into the school, wrapped in his Tzitzit, eyes covered for fear he will learn bad ways. In the school, he does not even have a ball to tempt him into the other, secular world. Rather, he must learn the ways of his forefathers, first learning the aleph bet and slowly immersing himself in the words of Torah and the rest of tradition. By the time a child is six, he will have learned all of berashit and shemot (genesis and exodus) by heart. He learns the words as well as the commentary associated with it. And  the time he is bar mitzvah age, he know the tanach as well as Talmud and Mishna by heart. Then, it's off to yeshiva to do the real learning and debating. Although I'm really not sure what they learn there...maybe ,rabbinic commentary?

Regardless, this knowledge comes from today's visit to Mea Shearim, which it turns t is much smaller than I initially realized. The neighborhood itself is a cross section of the ultra-orthodox world, representing Haredim, Litvaks (ultra orthodox from Lithuania), mitnagdim, and chasidim. Each group has their own special way of dressing and interacting with the general public (as Michael Marmur said at the beginning of the year, there are many different shades of black). Some may avoid a female gaze while others simply want to inform.

The neighborhood itself is full of small alleyways and men coming in and out of the synagogue all throughout the day. At all times, for the most part, there is a minyan, ten people, prepared to daven together. The mikvah being located right next door is convenient, and offers the members of the community their daily necessity of cleansing (and gossip) before they are ready for the day. Directly across the street are two schools, one lLitvak and one Haredi. We entered the Litvak one and were immediately assaulted by loud screaming. Turns out the children were on a break and playing on their playground located in the dirt center of the three story building. The building , with rooms on each side, contains classrooms the size of a small dorm room, with as many as thirty children stuffed into benches, seated with the Chumash on the thin table in front of them. They chant along in unison with the rabbi, their teacher, as he translates the Hebrew or Aramaic into Yiddish. All the learning is in Yiddish, although outside of the classroom it would seem everyone speaks Hebrew.

The synagogue itself is a work of beauty, with the ceiling painted in the style brought over from Lithuania, with the names of the months on one half of the ceiling and the names of the twelve tribes of Israel on the other. Next to each is either the zodiac sign associated with the month or the symbol associated with the specific tribe. The room itself is set up for hevruta study, with benches facing each other and a table in between. A few pairs of old men and young boys sat opposite one another, engaging in reading and dialogue, but the room  a mostly empty. However, from the looks of the books strewn across the tables, Torah study or Talmud was a regular practice in this space.

Most surprising to me was our ability to walk into this building, no questions asked. Although we were with a former member of Mea Shearim, I still didn't expect to be able to walk in and peek around. Yet peek we did, as the children peeked back at us from behind their hands. The wide array of white, blue, gray, and black that stared back at us was unsurprising, but for its openness.

The principal came up to us on the stairs and started talking about the school, about the importance of teaching these children from a young age and what exactly is taught. It turns out that the children learn math and grammar, but only at a young age and only until a basic level of understanding. They learn how to add subtract, multiply and divide, using fractions and decimals, but after that there is no need. They will be learning for most of their lives and therefore don't need to engage in what the rabbi called לימודי חול, or secular learning.

Previous to this encounter, we passed a girls school, which is supposedly one of the last remaining schools of its kind. It is taught only in Yiddish and goes up until the ae of 16 or 17, when a girl is suitable to start finding a husband, or being attached to her chosen match. The school's main purpose is to teach a girl what she will need to know in married life: sewing, cooking, knitting, laundry, family expenses. She may learn a very selected version of history, and maybe math, but there will be no Talmud study. Not funded by the government, this is a very extreme version of ultra-orthodox education. The more popular kind of learning for females is at beit yaakov, which is partially government funded and therefore teaches more of the secular subjects.

Showing up in my jeans skirt past my knees and long sleeved purple shirt, I thought I was dressed modestly. It turns out that it wasn't what they consider modest, due to the colors in my clothing and the length of my skirt, not to mention a small part of my chest showing. Although I am aware that this is the lifestyle that has been chosen, as a way to remain connected to what they consider the true way of practicing Judaism, I became immediately sure that this was not the world I wanted to live in, nor was it the world in which I was prepared to raise a family. Jewish values are important to me and always will be important, but so is the modern world. Technology is an asset in the world (for the most part) and I believe that as Jews, but also as people, we have a responsibility to participate with the rest of the world in making this a better world in which to live. If they want the messiah or messianic age to come, how is studying Torah going to bring that about? What will the words on the page do to make this world better? Studying Torah and learning Judaics is a way of looking at the world, of developing a belief system, but there is more to life than that. It is our responsibility to take what we learned and then go out into the world and affect change from our own actions. We must, as Ghandi said, be the change we wish to see in the world. Only then can we start to see what a messianic age might look like and how we can be a part of it.

Being a reform rabbi may not be the path I need to take to get to affecting that change. However, people will always need counselors and therapists, people who are both spiritual and secular guides as they traverse the confusing world. That in and of itself is helping make the world a better place, both directly and indirectly. Indirectly, it is helping people find the greater wholeness inside of them to do good and directly it is helping them believe in a power that is greater than themselves. Prayer is a way to connect, to feel a community around you. And that allow one to know that he or she is not alone in the task of making the world better. Is it my destiny to be a rabbi...that is yet to be seen. But it is my destiny to help others and touch the lives of those around me. And that I am looking forward to doing.

Bulgarian Blessings B'yachad

The chairs are set up in a square, a table laid with green tablecloth and Torah stand in the middle of the room. People flow in, quickly filling up the seats, despite the fact that services do not start for another ten minutes. By six thirty, the room is full, yet the service handout has not arrived in the hall. As soon as it appears, we begin singing, a building round of Shalom Alechim.

Oddly, the beautiful synagogue with elaborate Sephardic artwork and woodwork, stood cold and dark, empty but for the side chapel where three men and just as many women, many not even Jewish, sat rushing through the Kabbalat Shabbat service. I left quickly, eager to join in the magic of what would soon follow. The Bulgarian synagogue remained a museum, frozen in the chasm that segregates the community and closes their hearts.

Between translations, I lead the congregation in worship. We follow the outline of the service, only bare bones for these people who have not stepped foot in a synagogue for maybe sixty years. We are the Judaism they haven't experienced or don't know how to identity with.

 

When V'shamru comes up in the service, dad and I belt out an off-key version of the traditional. Yet, the congregation sits silent. An older gentleman speaks up, saying now they will do the Bulgarian traditional prayer. A singer in the congregation begins and immediately everyone chimes in. Dad and I sit there awestruck. This congregation not only knows the liturgy, they can sing it! Were we to give them an opportunity to open their hearts and sing, who knows what would come from their beautiful voices!

 

As the service comes to a close, dad suggests that individuals mention the name of a family member of friend who they are remembering. Every person minus the children in the room said a name. Each name was a family member, a friend. As my father's hand and eyes passed around the room, each person first met his eyes, then mine, demonstrating their desire to connect. Yet each name had not been said, had not been remembered with Kaddish for many years, if not ever. It brought tears to my eyes, making me recognize the importance of community, of helping people open their hearts and their minds. And, coming to the words of Kaddish, the rest of he congregation stood with us and recited what they knew from memory. The words washed over us and seemed to lift up the congregation, buoying us into the conclusion of the  service. This was truly beauty at its finest.

Riding 4 Reform

Although I would not normally do this, and my blog is for commentary on my adventures here in Israel, this opportunity is part of my growth while I am here in Israel. Below you will find a letter explaining my project with a group called Riding 4 Reform and within it, my request for support. Please consider helping me raise the money to participate in this 5 day cycling trip in order to raise money and awareness for the Jewish Progressive Movement in Israel.

Thank you for your support, in advance.

Dear family and friends,

What do you do when you flip over your handlebars on your bike, on the middle of a dirt path, with no one but your riding partners within miles? You brush the dust off, have a good laugh/cry, and then get right back on the bike and finish off the ride. Well, at least that was what I did on December 19.

Throughout my time cycling, I have learned the hard way the importance of bike safety; of wearing a helmet, having a buddy, telling people where you are going, keeping water on me. Having been hit by a car and now flown over my handlebars for a second time, I sometimes surprise myself that i keep getting on a bike. Regardless, I love it! Although that has helped me navigate the roads of Israel and the United States, I have only considered it my information. However, on March 10, I will set off for a five day journey across the North of Israel with about 11 of my classmates, doing something called Ride for Reform (R4R). In short, this five day bike ride is a way to raise awareness and money for the Reform movement in Israel. Seeing how the Orthodox movement is the dominant group here in Israel, the Reform movement (called the Progressive movement in Hebrew) is slowly gaining attention and acknowledgement. This year, the proceeds raised by the riders will go to the IMPJ (Israel Movement for Progressive Judaism), in order to help Progressive congregations throughout Israel, the immigrant community (due to the Reform movement's commitment to social action and social justice), and scholarships to Camp Havaya (IMPJ's summer camp). This is a unique opportunity for me to help my community here in Israel and truly give back (Check outwww.riding4reform.com for more details). 

Now, you're probably asking yourself, what's the catch? And, you'd be right to do so, because here is where you come in. I am super excited about this ride, and cannot wait to spend five days, going about 50 km/~31miles each day on a bike! However, the price of participation is $2,000, plus $100 because I need to rent a bike for the week. The ability to participate in this adventure is one in a lifetime, especially while I am here in Israel, in my first year in school, and I would love your support! Being able to give back to a place that has shown me an immense amount of love and taught me so much about myself and Judaism is incredible, but I need your assistance.

The next question you should likely be asking is, how? Again, way to be on the ball with these questions! Well, if you go to the R4R website Click here!, it will give you full instructions, including what to do with checks and credit cards.

Honestly, I really appreciate your support and remember that any contribution counts (even love!). I will be sure to keep you informed with both my classmates and my progress on our weekly rides. One place to check is my blog.

In conclusion, I am excited for this ride, and hope that you can support me along the journey. Please be in touch, just to check in.

Thanks and much love,

Elana