Falling in love...

I've fallen in and out of love this year. I've heard that happens, that you can fall out of love. But it seems that it's not falling out of love. Instead, one of two things happens. Either a. you were never in love in the first place and so when you fall out of love you are actually falling away from a lust or b. you simply weren't willing to put in the time and energy to make the relationship work and foster the love.
Now, one of the hardest parts is recognizing which kind of love you had and therefore which kind you are now either in or not in. This year, I have experienced both. However, the longest and most faithful relationship, the one that has outlasted all my other flings and romantic forays, is still in tact. In fact, I am ready to step up the level of commitment. I'm ready to move in. Buuut, that may have to wait. I need to tie up a few loose ends, make sure I have my life in order before I am ready to commit. But think of it as paying first and last month's rent on an apartment. I've done that. So now I just need to move all my things in.
I have fallen in love with two different things this year. One being myself, another this country. Guys have come and gone, but I have remained and this country is still here.
First, me. Wow! Looking back at the girl who hobbled off the plane, on crutches and also in need of a crutch for her heart, I am shocked. That girl has weathered heart break and sadness, loneliness and stormy thoughts. Yet she has also loved and lost, grew, experienced, expanded and settled in. I have settled in. Finally. I accept who I am. I even love her! And I am so proud of the woman I have become. I am someone who believes in myself. Even when fear paralyzes me, I believe in me.
Of course I make mistakes, silly decisions that leave me angry, upset and fuming. But I also know that I can recover from them. That the person I am is an individual who has the power to move forward. I have the passion, insight and determination to continue on.
Even my Jewish identity has grown. I am sure in my love for Judaism and belief in God (although what that means I'm not yet prepared to outline). Reform Judaism has helped mold who I am since I was very young and continues to do so to this day. However, I have discovered that there are different parts of the Jewish world which I love, whether it is a more traditional service, where all the pieces are present, or doing the traditional hand washing before a festival meal. The traditions have come alive to me. My task now is wrestling with the why, because simply DOING isn't enough, especially in the Reform realm.
Which leads me to my other love. Arriving in this country, I was prepared to do my year and get safely back on a plane to finish the next four years of Rabbinical school in the states. I would maybe visit Israel every once in a while, but it wasn't a place I felt a great affinity toward. Something changed in me this year. I no longer feel passe about leaving and I cannot just walk away. Israel has found her way into my heart and soul and become a part of who I am. The language, the culture, the people - it is all so vibrant and beautiful (even the parts that I cannot stand like the honking and awful driving and everything always being a little broken). We're past the honeymoon phase, we've moved into the figuring things out stage. And so far, we are doing that. And now, I am ready to step up the level of commitment. I am moving in.
I now know how to say no. I know what it means to respect myself and my boundaries. I can create distance when necessary and demonstrate that I am confident and proud of my decisions. With that in mind, I will be saying goodbye to my country today, with the knowledge that I will be back in a little under three months. A little tanner, a little smarter, a little older. I will be back, ready to start the next leg of my journey.