Celebration, continuity, and catastrophe

Shabbat yesterday consisted of a number of new experiences, ones I was not initially prepared for. I wanted to do T’fillot in a new place, so I decided to try out Shira Hadasha with Lori. I arrived around 9am (I was up till three the night before watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics-the first time I’ve seen the whole thing), and missed my favorite part of Shachrit, the beginning. However, the rest of the T’fillah was mostly familiar. The repetition of the Amida was different than what I am used to, meaning instead of being a different repetition it repeated the actual words of the Amidah. It makes no sense to me to repeat words that we have already done silently. I understand the concept of acknowledging the past use of sacrifices, but this was exactly the same thing as before.

            Also, every time someone spoke to the entire congregation (i.e. not doing prayers), they opened up the Mechitzah. Having it open was incredibly distracting, keeping me from listening to the person talking and therefore understanding what exactly was occurring. I did however understand when they invited people without a place to eat to join a woman and her family for lunch. As I am always up and open to new opportunities to meet people, I jumped at the opportunity, therefore forcing Lori to join me!

            The family was a transplant family, having made aliyah over 20 years previously. There were ten of us, as well as the 6 family members who were there. We ate on the ping pong table, because it was simply an overlay on their regular dining room table.

            Lori and I had started a discussion on the way over about Reform Judaism and what we thought about the service, the mechitzah, the way it was run, and paused the discussion when we walked into the house. However, one of the woman there, who made Aliyah 6 months ago, questioned me about what I had been saying and of what exactly is Reform Judaism is comprised (someone else asked me why I was a reformED Jew. That was an interesting question…to which I don’t have an answer). We got into a lengthy discussion of what Reform Judaism is all about and why I practice it, and the fact that so many Reform Jews practice simply because that is what their parents do, or that is what they think they are supposed to do, or out of convenience. Part of the reason I want to be a Rabbi is to change that, to help people understand why certain practices exist and why we do and don’t participate in certain rituals. Saying that one does a practice just because, STAAM, doesn’t seem like the purpose of Judaism or practice. I want to help inform practice and help people find more reason for why.

            Anyway, we left lunch and went back to Lori’s, where we both worked, sang musicals, and did laundry (on her part). As the evening started a fast day, for Tisha B’Av (commemorating the destruction of the 1^st and 2^nd temples, as well as a number of other sad occurrences in the Jewish timeline), Lori and I ate dinner early, before heading over to HUC for an introduction to Tisha B’Av and then t’fillot. The introduction would have been interesting, but it was way too hot in the chapel and I couldn’t concentrate. I basically learned that there are a number of different events that transpired during the same day in history**.

            Split into groups, we ventured off to places throughout the city. I was off to a Sephardic synagogue near Ben Yehudah Street. The service itself wasn’t that odd, minus the fact that we were all sitting on the ground and we read the entirety of Eicha (Lamentations) aloud, wailing away. However, as today is Tisha B’Av, that makes sense. We are lamenting the destruction of the Temples and therefore miserable. I left the raised Mechitza to join the other Sephardic woman on the ground level, in order to better hear what was going on. They were wonderful, laughing together (although we were supposed to be somber) at the children or our complete inability to follow along. We helped each other find the spot in Eicha, as the men’s voices were often either too quiet or too cacophonous. It was such a great moment, connecting. Plus, we were talking in Hebrew and I understood them. The hardest part was that I didn’t understand what was being read, meaning I feel I now need to read Eicha again.

The Kotel today, post-destruction of the 2nd Temple in 70 CE

            We left and discussed what we had experienced. I decided to head down to the Kotel with about 5 other people, to see what was happening down there. We booked it into the Old City, ending up at the Wall by around 10:30. People were sitting everywhere, in groups and isolated, wailing quietly. The term the Wailing Wall finally made sense to me. No one was seated on the normal chairs. Rather, they were on low set stools or sitting on the ground. Everyone seemed to have a prayer book in their hand. Although the Wall area was not packed, there were a good number of people there (the woman’s section WAS packed).

            Within 15 minutes, I was done and we left soon after. Eric and I went off to find Anas, a guy he met the last time he lived in Israel, but he was not at his family’s shwarma stand in the Arab quarter.  (Cool fact, the Muslim quarter is ornately decorated with lights for Ramadan). Therefore, we booked it out, all the time discussing the importance of the Temple and whether or not we want to see a third temple built (I am not in favor, but I understand some people’s strong desire to see it happen).

            My night didn’t end with our leaving the Old City. Eric and I walked up Agron, happening upon the beginning of a protest in Freedom Park. There were speeches going on and so many people standing there with flags. Many police vans were parked on the edge of the park, cordoning off the area. We asked people what was going on, to which they responded that they were preparing to walk into the old city, protesting Arab occupation. As Eric and I had just been discussing the Dome of the Rock and the fact that we wanted to see it, we were curious, but we decided it wasn’t necessary to join them. However, we were very curious.

**The Hebrew calendar does not follow the Gregorian calendar, meaning that Tisha B’Av happens between the middle of July and the end of August, depending on the year. Therefore, although the events were on the same Hebrew day, the Gregorian day differed.

Following the Footsteps: What Comes Next

What happens when we die? It’s something humans often thing about, wondering where they are going, if they will see loved ones, what the future holds. We want to have the answers to every questions, to make that unknown a little more fathomable/less overwhelmingly scary. Yet, by coming up with solutions and answers, are we not in some way belittling the entire experience, condensing it into something earthly and almost tangible, rather than completely unknown and scary.

            However, the IDEA of death is what scares people; the unknown. If we knew what came next, death would still be scary, but I imagine to a much lesser degree. With the process understood, the actual event would hold less value. That is why people come up with “reasons” for a young child’s death or the sudden passing of a loved one. We need to put value on the life, rather than the death; find meaning in their death, rather than focus on the senseless grief springing from their absence. When someone dies in Judaism, the Mourner’s Kaddish is recited. This prayer, while said by people who have lost someone, says nothing about death. It is about celebrating life, remembering the person and all the good associated with them. Therefore, the prayer acknowledges the importance of life and living, telling the mourner that they too need to continue living in order to maintain the memory of their loved one.

            A writing in Mishkan T’fillah starts: “It is a painful thing to love what death has touched.” That pain, the anger, the guilt even, all of those emotions can overwhelm us, when those important to us pass away. Anita Diamant, in her novel Good Harbor, offers another way to look at death, to perhaps make it less scary. Buddy says to his wife, while she is preoccupied with thoughts of breast cancer and death, that he “ think[s] of [dying] as following. Following the rest of them” (p. 117). In that way, death is much more about making connections and finding those people we love. Death becomes more reasonable, more tenable. We are more able to actually wrap our heads around the concept.

            Death is never easy. Sitting in a room with someone who is dying/about to die is incredibly painful and often overwhelming. We all find ways to cope with that pain. We all attempt to comfort ourselves and those around us in whatever way we know how. Sometimes we just need to put a different spin on it. Reaching out is always a good start. Where can you find strength and get courage from?

Belonging in 'Binical School

Figuring out how the numbers work out and what is apportioned where in this weeks Torah portion: Mattot

WHY I LOVE RABBINICAL SCHOOL!!!
My day today:
I gave a presentation in Hebrew class that was supposed to be 10 minutes and lasted 25 (all in Hebrew), I enjoyed Hebrew class and understood it. I made plans with people and have people to hang with tonight and tomorrow night, The first day of Biblical history was amazing and I love learning history, and then Torah study was epic! We ended up doing math and also spending a good 30-45 minutes studying 1 verse!!! Only in Rabbinical school is that okay/completely normal and people appreciate it and also love it.
I have found where I need to be and the reason why I’m here! Plus, I get to be surrounded by people who enjoy this stuff as much if not more as I do, which is incredible! I am so lucky!
The actual day will come later, because let's face it, it isn't every day that one realizes they are finally in the right place, doing what they are meant to be doing!

A vessel of prayer

We had our first day of Ulpan today. It was challenging, no doubt about it. However, I am eager to learn and see where this path will lead me. Hebrew is a wonderful language to explore and each day provides me with new opportunities to not only use my skills but interact with incredible people!

Before Ulpan, we had Shachrit. Here is my reflection on that experience:

Breathe. Choose a partner. Just one person and turn towards them. Look into their eyes. Watch their face. Wait. Sit with the discomfort. See who they really are.

            Spirituality is filled with so many crevices and alternative ways of connecting that we often miss what is right in front of us. Instead of seeing the beauty of a prayer, we get caught up in the meaning of the words or the distraction of the person beside us. Instead of feeling connected to God, we feel distant, unworthy of connecting or completely closed off from the world of prayer. Experience in spirituality works to fight those more negative aspects.

            There are two words in Hebrew that go hand in hand, Kevah and Kavanah. Kevah has to do with routine. What we do each day, regardless of how we feel or what a prayer means to us (either that day or always). Prayer is a continual experience, not to be halted just because one day we “don’t feel like it”. Kavanah on the other hand is about intention, the why behind the prayer. This is where we take the time to really figure out how each prayer is meaningful to us as individuals. Spending time wrestling with the language and the meaning is imperative, as only then is one truly able to lead others and stay spiritually whole as an individual.

            Exceptions always exist. There may be that one person who connects to Judaism so strongly and has been praying with a certain Kevah for his or her whole life. That person may be an incredible service leader. No system or ideological framework works for one person all of the time. It should be kept in mind that the congregation can often tell if their service leader is not being honest throughout the worship experience. However, for the most part, finding those connections and maintaining a constant relationship of learning, struggling and growing will further the power of prayer and service leadership. And nerves will make it blossom and explode! Take hold of a siddur and see where it can take you!

Conglomeration: thoughts, messages, lessons

Orientation was a combination of mixers and introductions to the coming year. We had the necessary Hebrew placement test (sandwiched between a wonderful breakfast with Rabbi David Ellenson and I can't even remember what happened in the afternoon due to my brain being fried), as well as introductions about our phones and health care and the like.

Thoughts: Where do you fit in?

We can always find another way, if we just look

One of the most interesting programs was מי אני, literally "Who am I?" The purpose was to meet each other in a little more structured manner, especially for those more reticent in large group settings. One session had us share one of our most powerful/life shaping Jewish experiences. I talked about going to Poland and picking up the bone shards from Birkenau, while on EIE, and then bringing them back to the Jerusalem. Out of that grew my desire to continue being involved in prayer. Instead of praying when I didn't necessarily feel connected, I would pray for those who no longer could. By coming to that realization, I was able to continue exploring prayer and really my personal practices fit into Reform Judaism, spirituality, and my life. As a result, NO path is/was closed to me.

The next group discussed what three people, alive or dead, we would invited to our Shabbat table (depending on who we brought, we told an interesting back story about how we feel about celebrating Shabbat and what that meant in terms of our greater observational experience, if we looked into it). The question at first included anyone, fictional or real, but was soon curtailed to only include those who once actually walked this earth. Therefore, Albus Dumbledore was precluded from my table. However, I had a rather interesting mix.

• Adolf Hitler, to ask questions and honestly see what perspective he came from. Although he was behind the Holocaust, there has to be more to the man than that.
• Avraham Mapu: I am related to him, although I know very little about him. Learning from him, about his time in what was then Palestine and seeing what his experiences lead to/sprang from would weave a fascinating tapestry to life, lifestyle, and religious experience.
• Lastly, since Dumbledore wasn't allowed, I choose Leonardo daVinci. His work with science, art and philosophy come together in such a beautiful conglomeration that I would love to see what would come of a conversation with him and the other too. Plus, his brain worked in miraculous ways!

The next session asked random questions, starting with: "Your classes are cancelled one day. What is your perfect day?" I would take a bike ride in the early morning, eat some breakfast, pack a lunch, put on my hiking shoes, take a shairut up North, get out by the Galille and hike. Hopefully I would go with a friend or too, take time to photograph, take pictures, swim, and enjoy. In the evening, we would somehow have dinner on top of a large hill, watching the sun set near us. We would have an incredible song session and conclude with a night of singing and star gazing!
What talent do I wish I had: Singing/playing guitar incredibly well/being able to song lead
What profession would I be if I weren't a Rabbi: A therapist working with autism, eating disorders, abuse, medical issues. Or a social worker.
If I could have any super power, what would it be? I would be able to apparate. But specifically to help people close to me if they are hurting.

The Western Wall, Friday 6.7.2012

Messages: Some important quotes/questions from the week:
"Make space for each others differences"
"Seek out the unknown. You never know what it may hold"
"You need to have enough self-confidence to not be confident, or at least say you don't know something"
"Can I get over myself enough to learn all that I can?"
"Do you articulate Judaism in a way that makes others want to be Jewish?"
"What do I need to make the informed choices necessary to lead Jewish lives and Jewish choices, especially if I want to be a Jewish leader?"
"How do we integrate critical thinking and a personal search for meaning?"
"How can we be a part of an interpretive tradition that strives for community yet maintain our spiritual and personal autonomy?"
"We are being given the tools to create a מסרת, but we don't know what the word means. Therefore, we have to do all this deep, headier thinking and learning."
"Small selfless actions are just as important as large, visible ones. Shephard leadership is one of service, of leading from behind!


Lesson 145: Pay attention to your surroundings; interact with them
We also did an experiment with experiencing Israel as tourists/citizens. We went to different places throughout the city (my group walked up ha neviim) and were supposed to see what we could see, what was there, how people interacted and what the community was like. The street was fascinating. At first, I asked two different people the name of the street, getting two different answers, both in Arabic. We figured it was right, so headed down. The beginning of the street was very much like Machane Yehudah in that there were dry goods, produce, chicken/meat, and everything stores. The women were doing all the shopping, while the men sat around in stores smoking, playing cards, and just talking. Not what you typically see in the states, but also not a culture that exists as much in the states.

People engaged in a counter protest at Kikar Parez

One of us got falafel, which was a fascinating cross-section of Israel. Everyone pushing and shoving, trying to be the next one served. Arabic was the language of the day. The man serving us (after I finally pushed my way in) spoke Hebrew, but not so much. When I asked (in Hebrew) if he spoke Arabic at home, he didn't seem to know the word. Not something I was expecting.
We continued down the street, actually missing the turn to stay on it and ended up on an industrial road. Detouring down a side road, we arrived back in the more comfortable world of Hebrew. The houses were again made of nicely structured Jerusalem stone, evenly spread out and with space to live. At the end of the street, we happened upon Mea She'arim. The striking difference between the two neighborhoods/streets was vast. One was crowded, with apartments right on top of one another, dirty streets and people everywhere. The other was quiet, relatively clean, with space to move and live. Continuing back to ha neviim, we happened upon the office of education in a huge courtyard, which was followed by the old Ethiopian embassy. Now, it is just an Ethiopian apartment building, replete with signs in Amharic and smells of Ethiopian food! I ditched my group to keep exploring and found the Palmach museum, yad l'kashish, the municipality, and a great way to find all these places. Although we didn't talk to many people, we experienced much about the city and learned an incredible amount about the culture and how people live.
The point was to experience and understand the discomfort zone, something I felt at the beginning, but was unaware of by the end.

Shiru L'adonai

Shiru L'adonai, kol ha aretz! Shiru L'adonai, shiru shir chadash!
Sing onto God, to all of the earth! Sing onto God a new song! Psalm 98

Last Friday night, I was hosting Shabbat dinner for about 10 friends. We were doing Kabbalat Shabbat and our guitarist hadn't shown up yet. We sat around for a while, unsure whether or not to begin the service, but eventually decided to go ahead and begin. As soon as we started singing, he barged through the door, banging his guitar and apologizing for his tardiness. We excused it and he got set up. Listening to all ten of our voices join together in song or chanting the traditional nusach was an incredibly powerful experience. The voices filled up my tiny apartment and made me feel as though I was going to overflow! I was ecstatic! My apartment had become a home, with the simple experience of a Kabbalat Shabbat service. The music tethered me to my guests of a week ago, bringing me closer to them, recognizing that I am connected to them in more ways than just being in school with them, or our Judaism. We shared an incredibly special and powerful moment. That is the power of music. That is the power of prayer.

"Kol Adonai chotzeiv lahavot eish"
The voice of God lights the flames of fire. Psalm 29

HU C U as I AM!

We were asked to write reflections about the beginning of our time here at HUC and what that means to us. Mine is more of a prescriptive poem, about what is happening now/may occur in the future than what has happened or what I feel about coming here. Just some thoughts on a previously black and white screen.
Watch, wander, wonder.
Listen, learn, love.
Explore, Expand, Expound (upon)
Feel, fear, free.
We  step into each day,
Putting on our faces, our masks of safety
Walking into the doors of HUC,
Watching others to see their sure step.
Listening to voices, droning on about nought
Waiting to feel at home and at peace.
Exploring each option, weighing pro and con
Accepting that time is the surest scale.
Israeli connections, Hebrew tests too,
Learning abounds here, whatever you do!
Nothing is solid, not written in stone,
Forge your own path, wander alone!
Or even with someone else close by your side,
The love of this place already in your eye.
Fear and trepidation, our natural foes,
They keep us in check (along with the crows).
However you see them, don't let them overwhelm,
Look forward with wonder, you're there at the helm.
So therefore keep going,
Watch the sun set today.
You've started a journey
A process away.
Not far will you go,
But to glimpse a distant shore.
That place is your future,
Holding all that and more.
Grab hold of your heart,
Make sure it beats strong.
As surely you'll need it,
The days may grow long.
Adventure awaits us,
T'fillot, tiyulim and more,
Today holds the promise,
Of tomorrow and those days of yore.

Stories: Who are we and how do we present ourselves?

Tell me a story," she said by my side.

I opened my mouth, where out came a sigh:

"But where shall I start, my story is wide"

She responded, "However, just don't you lie"

 

I thought for a moment, indeed I did think,

With what should I start, of course not the kitchen sink!

Serious for a moment, I stood there in awe,

The many directions all of a sudden I saw.

 

Alas I did ramble, out came my tale,

Curiously framed by what might come in the mail.

A series of letters, words, sentences and more,

Flew out from my mouth, hopefully not a bore.

 

14 people, a million stories. Which one will they tell?

Before I knew it, the story was spun,

My heart was lain wide and the tale was done.

I'd opened my mouth, and with it my heart,

Oddly enough I'd told only part.

 

Of adventures and moves, and health problems galore,

However my travels didn't capture the core,

Who I am changes with each new soul,

Although I am sure I can remain whole.

 

No matter the telling, who is being entertained,

The story flows forth, it cannot be contained.

With just one word, the entire plot is deterred,

Only to bring with it another, just as preferred.

 

Important to remember, most awesome to know,

The person I am she truly does glow.

I'm open and happy, proud, hopeful and strong,

Come listen at my door, I won't steer you wrong!
3.7.2012

"And you shall find for yourself a friend..."

Excerpted from Pirke Avot 1.6

A closed gate is easily traversed, with an open mind (or a key)

I went to the shuk today with different people than I normally go with. Now, I assumed that the shuk would be the shuk, that I would get my stuff and have just as much of a good time as I usually do. However, it was a completely different experience, as though I was in an alternate universe. Although I still bought my produce, cheese, and spices, I felt distant. My partner in crime was not with me. I didn't have someone to make the aisles more friendly and the throng of people more tolerable. I didn’t have someone who also knew the shuk, who was comfortable with the prices and could spare me a shekel or two if I needed it.

            Each time I went up to a vendor, I checked who was around me, making sure I wasn’t leaving my bubbe cart in someone’s way. I went in and selected my produce, careful to smell it first (therefore garnering a strange look from most of the sellers). Although I was with other people, it felt as though I was alone (reflecting much more upon me than upon them).

            A lesson was learned today, one I have refrained from learning for a while because of the implications it carries. We will always have friends that serve different purposes in our lives, with varying amounts of influence on us. They may simply be people to hang out with, fun to chill with or take trips with. Others may be more intellectual, stimulating the intellect and rousing curiosity. Still others can be well-rounded, filling multiple openings in your heart and soul. No matter, it is important to nourish different kinds of friendships, ensuring that you know which friend is best suited for each activity.

            I have always wondered about making friends. It seems so seemless for others, as though they just meet someone and then they click. However, I’d venture a guess that there is much more unknown than known about new relationships.

Open gate of possibility

            Friday night, a bunch of us were hanging out and talking about making friends. One person quoted a statistic that stuck with me: 10% of the people we meet, we just click with. They become fast friends and there is no work that needs to go into it initially. 10% of the people we meet we have to work at being friends with, but in the end, it will work out and we will be friends. The last 80% are people who we meet and attempt to be friends with but whom we don’t click with automatically. We may try to connect again and again, but just end up with a casual relationship. Although the numbers may not be accurate (and divvying people up into categories often leads to issues in it’s own right), this concept carries much weight.

            What do friendships mean to me? How do I view each person I meet: as friend, acquaintance, lover, teacher, partner? How do people view me? Do I present myself in a way that others find appealing? As we ask ourselves these questions, we explore self-image and self-ideology, deepening our place within our own world.

Higher Moral Self

A higher moral self. We often strive to be the best person we can be, either in terms of living up to our own expectations, or working to achieve morality through the eyes of another. Sometimes those expectations are well founded, seeded in reason, common sense, and love. At other times, they are deeply rooted in anger, frustration, denial, or pain.

            No matter from where the experience ultimately stems, we become focused on living life for the present and the future: who we are and who we want to become. Life becomes a path to take to achieve powerful self-ideology and image, a road towards wholeness and trust. We cast aside the hateful thoughts, those aspects of ourself that we don’t necessarily respect or want within. We focus on doing good, helping others, giving back. We are determined to move forward.

            As with any endeavor, we can easily stray from the mark. We may quickly lose our identity in the quest for self and end up stranded on an island of isolation and despair. We may feel physically lost, as though the path itself has been erased from right in front of us. Or, we may just be floating along, buoyed by unconscious thoughts and unceremoniously tethered here and there.

            However, the more powerful and positive aspects carry with them reward and tremendous opportunity. With these, we recognize our flaws and those aspects of self that have the potential to grow with us. Instead of bowing to the dissonant voices calling us away from our goals, we instead move towards a strength of will and mind that seems only to come to those truly searching for meaning and intent. There, we find who we are, who we will become. There, we truly hold love, life, learning, laughter and so much more to a higher standard and therefore have a greater appreciation for the intricacies that they may bring.

            Life always presents obstacles. How will you maneuver through them?