Challenging God

I’m exhausted. After spending the past week going through orientation at HUC, as well as taking in the anxiety and frustration of my fellow classmates, I am spent. About 20 minutes ago, when I went outside to shed the stress through a brief run, my whole body protested, too tired to exert that much energy in order to move. One block into the run, I turned around. Then, not wanting to return to my apartment and leave the sun, I turned the corner and started down a different street. Again, I stopped after a few blocks.

The combination of being in school again after taking time away for a year, of anxiety/stress at an incredibly high level, and not feeling settled, as well as finding my way around a new city, is a lot. It takes getting used to, and defenses that haven’t been accessed in a while were down and have quickly been re-instated. But more than anything, my body is taking a beating. Breaking in a new bed, driving and sitting a lot in class or traffic, different food or eating times. It’s ready for a break. My body is ready for Shabbat.

Shabbat is that time of the week when we can take a step back from the wear and tear we have put on our body for the past week and just breathe. It grants us the opportunity to set aside the high-stress of the highway and stand-still traffic and just be in our normal flow. As Abraham Isaac Kook wrote in his book, Orot Teshuvah (The Lights of Repentance), we all want to maintain the flow of who we are, and keep it running. But when we do wrong (or to paraphrase, when we don’t keep ourselves balanced), the flow gets interrupted and we feel pain. Shabbat, in a way, is an opportunity to re-establish that flow and reconnect with ourselves and with God.

This week’s parsha, Parshat Ekev, has many messages, but one in particular struck me. Chapter 8, Verse 16 says למען ענותך ולמען נסותך, להיטבך באחריתך, that God may oppress you and God may test you, but it will all be for good in your end. As I look back on this week, I find that God is attempting to test me, to challenge me. God is attempting to help me discover where my strength lies. Not in such a way that I cannot handle what happens, but as a way to explore my inner-strength.

For example, I feel on the sidewalk yesterday, walking down the street. I didn’t just stumble, I flat out slid on the pavement. The pad of my elbow has a scrape about 2 inches in diameter, to prove it! But again, God was testing me. I needed to know that I could take a decently painful spill and handle the consequences. Truthfully, it was the easiest of what I’ve dealt with in the past few days! But I recognized that this pain was a direct indication that God has many ways to test us, and we must be open to whatever those methods are, acknowledging God’s presence and accepting God’s love when it comes.

May this Shabbat bring us the ability to decompress from the past week and strength to face the week to come. May we take this Shabbat as an opportunity to reconnect with our inner-flow. May this Shabbat find our connection and understanding of God strengthened. Shabbat Shalom.